A Promise Kept

Two bright-eyed girls whirled round the dance floor at the Knights of Columbus St. Patrick’s Day Party last night--one a slim and lively eleven year old, the other a dimpled baby. The baby squealed delightedly with each bounce and bump, the deep burbling sounds of a well-entertained nine-month-old. The older girl twirled as if she would never stop, spurred by that irresistible laughter—more musical than music itself.

Watching these two girls—my own daughters Theresa and Eileen—it struck me how unusual a thing it is these days to see sisters a decade apart. My mind wandered back to a time in the almost forgotten past:

My fiancé and I are leaning over black and white composition books, comparing the answers to questions asked of us at the Cana Conference Retreat. We are completing an exercise meant to ensure we each know the other’s plans for married life. The first question reads:

“How many children do you hope to have?”

An optimistic “At least eight” appears in my feminine slant, and in my fiancé’s masculine scrawl, “About half a dozen.”

We both want a large family. So far, so good.

The next question continues:

“How soon do you want to start a family?”

A confident “Right away” appears plainly in the feminine slant, but this time the masculine scrawl is nowhere to be seen.

What is the meaning of this, I wonder. Aren’t we both ready to start a family?

My fiancé looks at me seriously and explains, “I would love to begin a family right away, but my fear is that, years from now, you will remember the career you left behind and feel sorry. I don’t ever want you to have any regrets.”

“I will never feel that way,” I assure him with confidence.

“How do you know?”

“Because I know myself. It would not be possible for me to feel that way.”

And that was that.

I woke from my reverie to find my husband motioning something to me, his eyes twinkling meaningfully—our little boy was on the dance floor attempting the “Cotton Eye Joe” in awkward, oversized red snowboots (none of us had noticed his unconventional footwear until we arrived at the party). We laughed as only two parents, united through the Sacrament of Matrimony, but also in infinite love for a child, can laugh. Sitting there at that table, with our children dotting the dance floor like violets in a May meadow, we shared another moment among millions to remember the undeniable Truth of the Catechism: “Children are the supreme gift of marriage and contribute greatly to the good of the parents themselves.” [CCC 1652.]

And I secretly gloated thinking upon my own prescient words of self-awareness, “It would not be possible for me to feel that way.” Indeed, I never have and never will.

Years ago, I remember telling a dear friend and former classmate of mine we were expecting our first child. She responded as our culture has taught her, and, as she heartily believed even without any real life experience, “What a waste!”

Please understand, as I repeat these words, they held no sting for me then or now. I know, in fact, she meant them as a backhanded compliment, a tribute to my “worth.” Her sensibilities were steeped in society’s pervasive notion that children should be, particularly for the educated woman, an afterthought, best left until prominence, profit and partnership are all checked off the to do list. My heart went out to her in honest sympathy, as I imagined her wearing her youth away, perhaps never tasting the joy I was already feeling just knowing a precious heart was even then beating beneath my own.

And what of that to do list? What price would have been exacted for prominence, profit and partnership?

Prominence would have required my twenties. The children of my twenties were Agnes, Theresa, and Margaret.

Profit would have sought my early thirties. The children of my early thirties were Marie and Patrick.

Partnership’s capital investment would have been paid during my late thirties. The children of my late thirties were Maureen and Eileen.

Somehow, I think I would have been working off the wrong list.

Is it any wonder I reaffirm today, but with even greater fervor and emphasis, that promise, spoken all those years ago: “I will never feel that way. It would be impossible for me to feel that way.”

But this time, I am uttering a heartfelt Deo Gratias to go along with it.

*******
[As I post this piece, I want to include a note to make sure it does not have the unintended effect of hurting any women or mothers who work outside the home, particularly those who strive to make a better life for their families. My reflection is meant as an affirmation that children are a greater source of joy and fulfillment than unnecessary ambition.]

Comments

[Jennifer]

You should publish this (other than here, I mean :)). It is perfect.

[matilda]

Excellent! I agree with Jennifer...more people should see this!

[Valerie]

You have written what my heart feels. Thank you.

[Helen (Mary Vitamin)]

Beautiful Alice, as always.

[Kelly]

Amen and Amen. Beautifully written, Alice.

[Karen E.]

How beautiful, Alice. How very touching and perfectly beautiful.

[bfarmmom(Kirsten)]

Once again Alice, I felt a tear in my eye. Beautiful!

[Carole]

Well written, Alice. And so true. Your blessings are so precious and everlasting. Their value is far greater than anything gained on a "to do" list that society has created.

[Cheryl M.]

I agree - it's perfect and needs to be published! Many need to read this!!

[Suzanne Temple]

"we shared another moment among millions to remember the undeniable Truth of the Catechism:"

This is just lovely, Alice. What a beautiful post!

[Kristen Laurence]

So beautiful, Alice. It needs to be read by so many! How many hearts could be transformed by this lovely post.

(When I was newly married, I wanted 10 children! :) Though it is highly improbable I should have that many now, I am so very thankful for the two I do have.)

What blessings these babies are!

[Layla]

Thank you once again, dear Alice, for the example of Catholic motherhood that you set. Stories like this one make it so much easier to face the criticism of those who want me to "do something with [my] degree, instead of just getting married."

[Kimberlee]

Thank you Alice for this beautiful post.

[Cheryl]

I loved this post. It is so beautifully written and it also affirms how I've felt since I've been married. I agree with what others have said... it would wonderful for more people to read this and it is perfect.

[Maria Ashwell]

So lovely!

[KC]

A beautiful post, Alice. Thank you.

[Kathryn]

Beautifully said, Alice. I often think how fortunate I am to have daughters a decade apart - and you are right, it is unusual these days.

[Barbara Stein]

Well said. Clearly you have always known yourself.

[Elizabeth H]

Lovely, lovely. Thanks for this beautiful post.

[Dawn]

Beautiful, Alice. Just beautiful. How very blessed we mothers are!

[Lillian]

Thank you so much for putting into words what my heart feels too. What a true grace it is to be open to motherhood.

[Melanie]

alice... so gently said. thank you.

[Jenn Miller]

You are so beautiful, Alice.

[Beck]

Just beautiful, Alice. I've had similar comments, by the way, that it was "too bad" that we had children so early on in our marriage - something that we've never, ever regretted.

[Cay]

Incredibly beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart with us, Alice.

[AutumnRose]

What a beautiful post! God bless you and your lovely family, and reward you for your servant heart, Alice xxx

[Taffy]

Beautifully written, Alice! It was a joy to read!

[Meredith]

So perfect!!

[elena maria vidal]

I have been waiting for someone to write an article like this. It is what people don't think of when they deliberately postpone "starting a family."

[Lorraine]

sniffle-sniffle...please pass the tissues...My heart beats in union with yours. My children, my beloved children; there are no words to match your inspiring tribute to parenthood. Thank you.
Love, Lorraine

[Marybeth]

Oh,this is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your deep love of your children with all of us. You are truly a blessing! :)

[Claire]

This was marvelous. What a gift...thank you for baring your soul to us! As evidenced by the many comments, you've struck a beautiful chord and resounding here. Praise God for his goodness and for your part in it!

Pax Christi,
Claire

~~~
Phil. 4:8
Soli Deo Gloria!

[Jeanne]

yes, please publish it. It is wonderful.
Love,
Jeanne

[Alice Gunther]

I am so deeply grateful to all of you for these wonderful comments!

I realize I gave the wrong impression in the closing note when I wrote "as I *publish* this piece." Each time I post on Typepad, the button I hit to make posts appear on the blog is called "publish." When I wrote the note, I really meant "as I publish it here at Cottage Blessings"! Please forgive the poor word choice! I've change it to "post" now. I would have done so earlier, but only just realized thanks to Jeanne's kind note that this how "publish" made it sound.

But, many, many thanks for all your kind words about it! I very much appreciate it!!!

[Account Deleted]

Beautiful, Alice.

[Maria Cunningham]

This is positively beautiful. I can't wait to share it with my mom who married at the age of 17, has nine children and 38 grandchildren and counting still! Thank you so much Alice.

[Mary Beth P]

Beautiful! I needed this today. I am deeply saddened (for them)by women who think that their career is more important than their children. Unfortunately, once they realize what's really important, it's usually too late. Childbearing years have passed and the kids are gone!

[Kim]

I am doing my Sunday blog catch up and am so enjoying your posts from this week dear Alice! I am remembering my own single childhood - longing to pile into a station wagon back seat - and the response to my first pg announcement, very like the one you heard. It was still a great way to spend my 20's! And 30's. And God willing, a part of my 40s!

[Andrea]

You will never know what encouragement I have found through your very beautiful words and reflection on children and marriage! Thank you!

[stef]

Alice, you SHOULD publish it! Other than here, I mean!

I also have 2 daughters a decade apart -- it's lovely to see them growing up together.

Thank you for such an inspiring post!

[Suzanne]

Well-written and beautifully stated. I am a mother of an "only-child", by choice....and a working woman as well....no regrets...feel as blessed and fortunate as mothers of several children. God Bless.