A Closet Carol

Well, here I am, blogging for one week, and already I've had a request to re-print something! My beloved friend Helen was kind enough to remember a five-year-old post I wrote about my adventures cleaning out the closets in our former house. This was before "Flylady," so instead of doing the project in manageable chunks, I set aside one solid week to tear apart every closet in the house, giving away as much as possible. For some reason, I felt the need to update my friends on my progress. This was the update from the fourth day. As you will see, I was getting a bit punchy!

"A Closet Carol"

Well my dears, it's Day 4 of my huge project, and you would not believe what a mess everything is. With dh off from work for the past two days, I have kind of lost my momentum. Plus, yesterday, I began to tackle the worst closet in the whole house, the wide "catch-all" closet in the girls' room. As most of you know, the girls' room used to be my sewing room before we converted the master bedroom into a class room. We switched the rooms around a year and a half ago, but I never touched the contents of the closet. The girls have been under strict orders never to go into it, and it has remained, like an ominous volcano, long dormant, but ready to erupt at any moment with miscellaneous odds and ends.

Having already cleaned out the first three closets upstairs, I felt a little bit like Ebeneezer Scrooge meeting the last ghost as I approached the fourth closet. Just picture it:

I walk into the girls room and gaze upon the door of the closet. Already I am something of a better woman from my experiences with the other closets, but I know I still must face this last one. "Closet," I say, "am I in the presence of the Closet full of things I am supposed to do in the Future?" No answer, although the door starts to open slowly. Somewhat shaken, I continue, "you are full of things I once thought I would get to in the Future, are you not? Bolts of fabric, embroidery hoops, bobbin-lace making kits, silk ribbon, decoupage paste, gold-leafing medium . . .?" Still, no answer, just an eerie suspended silence. "Closet," I say, "I have feared you more than all the other closets I have visited, but still I know that you will do me good. Lead on . . . . "

Anyway, after facing the horrors of that last closet (complete with a scene of me screaming, "Closet, please just tell me, are these the things I will never get to, or are they things I *may* get to?"), I wake up as Scrooge did, to a bright cheerful morning with all my closets completely finished. Can't you just see me in a nightgown and robe (of course, because I'd already thrown out all my clothes) flinging open one of the second floor windows, hair flying wildly in the wind, and calling out to one of the neighbor kids, "You there--boy!"

"You want me Mrs. Gunther?"

"Yes, yes, you boy--can you tell me . . . what day is it today?"

"Why it's Sunday, Mrs. Gunther!"

"Sunday! Then I haven't missed the whole week of February 19th to the 22nd! The closets have been cleaned in one night!"

Rolling his eyes, he would turn to walk away, but I'd stop him and say, "Now then lad, do you know the Office Max on Old Hollow Road?"

"I should think I would!"

"Oh what a marvelous boy, an intelligent boy. They teach you kids well in the public schools. Now then boy, do you know the aisle with the storage bins?"

"You mean the ones as big as me?"

"Yes, yes lad. What a clever boy, a delightful boy. Now lad, come back in ten minutes with the bins and the manager of the Office Max, and I'll give you a bolt of fabric!"

With that he would be off like a shot (oddly enough, not in the direction of Office Max), but I'd call after him giddily, "Be back in five minutes, and I'll give you a box of maternity clothes!"

--February 18, 2001

Comments

[Helen]

I'm laughing so hard, I'm crying all over again! This is just too funny.

[Karen E.]

Alice, this is priceless! You've perfectly captured that mad, giddy feeling we get when we've successfully decluttered. :-) What a riot.

Between this, the slime mold's home and the "horror, horror" girl, you've got my day off to a wonderful start.